What we tell our children..

I have been thinking recently about the unintended messages that our children hear day in and day out when we talk to them. In particular the messages we send to teach them their place in the world according to (amongst other things) their gender. I expect that most parents probably want "well behaved" children - but what are well behaved children? Are they children who analyse each situation, weigh up risks and alternative approaches and calculate a response - or are they children who behave in a manner appropriate to society's norms? Are we teaching our children to look at everyone as an individual, with their own specific interests and talents, or are we teaching them to judge based on appearance and gender?

A few examples from the last few days..
Me: "Hello, pretty one. You've been such a good girl today!"
Daughter hears: It's really great to be pretty and I'm pretty. Girls are good and always do what they are told. (Adds to herself - I don't think boys are as good as girls!)

Tom's Mum: "Tom, don't be so rough with the girls"
Tom (and all surrounding children) hear: It's good for boys to be rough but not girls. Girls might cry if you're rough with them - better just play with the other boys.

Swimming teacher: "Boys, you need to listen to me"
Children hear: The boys never listen. Girls always listen.

School teacher: "Boys and girls, time for class."
Children hear: Boys and girls are different, but we all have to go in to class now.

My friend to me: "My son's such a boy, he just loves trains. He'll sit for hours playing with the trains while my daughter colours."
Any children in earshot hear: Boys play with trains, girls like colouring.
Note: There are hundreds of different versions of this - just substitute cars, balls etc. for trains, and dressing up, playing with dolls etc for colouring.

An example that I particularly enjoyed from a recent playground experience:
The scene: Children's playground with large pyramid-like rope structure in the centre. My 3 year-old daughter is somewhere near the top, probably about 3-4 metres off the ground.
Father of 2 year-old boy positioned precariously about 1 metre off the ground: "Come on, son. If she can get up there you can too." (Looks slightly embarrassed at his son's lack of skills relative to older girl)
Boy hears: Boys must be better than girls at climbing, even older girls. I must be rubbish if I can't climb as high as that girl (starts crying)

A few minutes later...
Father of 5 year old girl: "Go carefully now, Georgia, you know what you're like!"
Georgia hears: I always fall off things, better not go too high.

It would give me great pleasure to be able to say that these things are just words, that they don't mean anything, and that children form their own opinions - but I just don't think it's true. My 3 year old regularly tells me that the boys are naughty and rough at school. At this age, she has figured out that gender is a major aspect of being well behaved. As a girl, she is expected to be "good", sit still, listen, and do colouring at school. She loves pink, she dresses up as a princess, and likes dolls. She also knows that boys are rough and sometimes naughty at school. They like trains, cars and balls and dressing up as super heroes. She even talks about what shapes she likes - girls like circles and hearts whereas boys like triangles and squares apparently!

Take the playground example from above - I realise it is just an anecdote, it is in no way a scientific study. However, it is reasonable to assume that Georgia might have climbed higher had she not been reminded of her clumsiness and lack of ability by her father. How often do these kinds of words limit children's abilities and aspirations, and how often are these limiting expressions used to describe behaviour that is non gender-typical? And let's take the little boy. It is extremely likely that he picked up on the competitive nature of his Dad's remarks. Over time he may learn the kinds of things he is expected to be better than girls at. He may try particularly hard in these areas, so as not to be embarrassed again in the future by being beaten by a girl.

And yet many, if not most, of my school-related friends and acquaintances believe that these gender differences are innate. They truly believe that their children are born already equipped with a set of skills and abilities marked in blue or pink. How is it that we are systematically overlooking this massive influence on our children and describing it as innate??? I don't think we are doing it consciously. Every one of us parents was brought up in a world even more focused on gender differences than today's world. We underwent the brainwashing ourselves at those tender ages and have mostly not even questioned it. So strong are those beliefs that we may unknowingly reinforce them as we make our way through life, propagating them into areas of our influence. Scientists might look at brain scans that (with the benefit of years of brainwashing) seem to suggest innate differences and write books about gender hard-wiring. Politicians might assume that women have an innate need to enter "caring" professions, and that men do not have the innate capabilities to look after small children, and influence policy accordingly. Employers might assume that a male candidate will be a better leader than a female candidate.

What would our own aspirations be if we could erase the years of brainwashing and start again with a clean slate? How would we talk to our children if they were born into this clean slate world. If gender was really not that big of a deal we might call our children by their names instead of by their sex. We might try to evaluate their abilities and interests as individuals. We might teach them that it is ok to play rough sometimes as long as no one gets hurt - and to watch out for those smaller, younger or less able than themselves. We might teach woodwork, football or sewing to any child that was interested - fostering talent where we spotted it. We might encourage all children to be caring individuals, knowing that one day they will probably be a primary carer for their own children. We might teach them that being fit and healthy is important, and that clothes should be practical - but are also a way of expressing individuality.

So, when you talk to your child tomorrow - listen to yourself. Which world are you teaching your child about? Your child will help create the world of tomorrow - so which world would you like that to be?