Back to blogging (a cowardly approach?)

Ok - so I haven't posted anything since August. Because it was the summer holidays and then because my daughter started school which seemed like a big thing - but really those are just excuses. The real reason was that I had tried blogging, found some initial fame (see CiF article here), tried a couple of different approaches and then lost heart. I wasn't really sure why I was doing it, whether it was adding anything at all to the world or whether it was something I could enjoy doing as a permanent hobby (I'm one of those ideas people who loves to start new projects, but when it comes to finishing off I tend to get bored and ruin the whole thing!).

But in the meantime I have been thinking lots of feminist thoughts, I have also been to TAM London, a skeptic conference run by the James Randi Educational Foundation, and I have been reading. I recently read a book by Cordelia Fine called "Delusions of Gender", which I found particularly thought-provoking. More on that probably in a later post.

But the thinking part of me seems to have raced ahead of my public persona. I haven't yet figured out how to tell people about this part of my life, and actually I feel slightly embarrassed by it. I have talked about feminism or skepticism now with a handful of my friends but I seriously struggle with speaking out about things I disagree with that my friends and acquaintances say or do. I can certainly relate to my 5 year-old's nervousness about speaking out in circle time - I'd rather keep my mouth shut! And because I haven't had much practice - when I do become unwittingly involved in a conversation I don't handle it at all well. (Particularly clear in my mind is the conversation about Christianity I had over the phone with my Mum last week.) The thing is, if someone is happy with their religion / alternative medicine / unequal lifestyle (delete as appropriate) then I just don't want to get into the conversation. It would only be incredibly difficult, and if I happened to "win" the argument - they would be unhappy because they would lose faith in a part of their life. Better not to go there in the first place! And yet - it feels cowardly not to be honest about my beliefs.

The great thing about blogging is that I can write all the things I would like to be able to say directly but don't yet have the guts to. It enables me to think through the arguments without being interrupted, and be completely honest. And yet - there is a "Publish" button. And then after that I have the option to post it to facebook, or to twitter (easier because I don't actually know most of the people who follow me on twitter), and to do things like attach links to my emails. Each of these things requires courage, but each of these things is also a way in to a conversation. More conversations will actually help me to figure out what I do believe is right, and will also hopefully raise awareness of important issues with those who wouldn't have even thought about it before. And gradually I will be able to merge (or at least come to terms with the difference) between the public me and the thinking me.

The other hope that I have is that these conversations will lead me in the direction of what I'm going to do when my 3 1/2 year old starts school. From September I will have free time - at least till 3pm each day in term time. I want to put this to good use, both for my own sake and because I want to give something back to the world (I realise that sounds corny - hey I'm quite a corny person!). So anyway - here I am back at blogging. Next up will probably be parenting (in a gender-equal and critical-thinking kind of way!)